Who Takes Care of a Caregiver
You used to wake up in the morning and walk, play tennis or golf, or do other enjoyable activities; now, these are secondary pleasures because you are a caregiver to someone. Consequently, your needs and desires are placed on hold because you must assist in the survival of another human being.
Stop and listen carefully; you must take care of your own needs and desires or you will fall apart both emotionally and physically when you deprive yourself of the joys of life.
My grandfather had knee replacement surgery a year ago, and since that time, my grandmother has slowed down tremendously in taking care of her needs and instead started to focus on his. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying; you should take the role of a caregiver in tough times, but by the same token, you should never lose yourself in that person's illness to where you become obsolete. For example, my grandmother used to walk each day at 7:00 a.m., go to the pool constantly, and at least go out of her condominium. However, when my grandfather had limitations, she limited herself. All of the sudden, she stopped her walking, hardly ever went down to the pool because if she was needed she wanted to be right there by his side, and she stayed inside a lot.
Concepts to Remember:
(1) In a relationship where caregiving is occurring, there must be a mutual relationship where new roles are understood and accepted or resentment and hostility will build up and potentially destroy the relationship core. For example, the caregiver will probably start to resent the receiver of their care if no changes are made on both ends. Who wants to serve or take care of someone when they are not allowing for any flexibility or changes on their end?
(2) On a lighter note, caregiving and receiving can strengthen relationships where mutual respect and admiration for each other prevail above the challenges at hand.
(3)The caregiver must maintain their independence at least in part so as not to lose their self - esteem and identity.
(4) The caregiver must accept their and their partner's limitations and ask for help when needed to avoid unnecessary frustration and resentment towards each other. If outside resources are needed such as a counselor or nurse to come into your home to help you cope better, obtain that resource. Asking for help does not imply any weakness on either part.
(5) To give is also to receive.
(6) The caregiver should take time out to do the things they enjoy so as to regain strength and commitment in their helping role. The caregiver must be taken care of as well.
Taking care of someone else also means that you must take care of yourself. If you are not getting your needs and desires met, you are limiting yourself to a life where you are a prisoner in your own household. Go out and do the things you like to do even if the things you can do are limited; it's better to do a little of something that nothing at all.
The author of this article is David Teitelbaum, L.M.H.C., M.S. He is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, owner/director of The Relationship Counseling Center, Inc., and a My Therapy Network provider.
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